A native of Spain, author Six Fernandez released her first book, The Official Women’s Guide on How a Man Should Cheat in 2009. Her book offers pointers and suggestions on the most efficient way for men to cheat with the sole purpose to not get caught.
With a very controversial book title and lots of criticism from women, Fernandez talks with me for nearly two hours about her motivation behind writing this book, hateful reviews, men, women, cheating, and relationships.
What was your motivation behind this book?
Initially the book started off as a joke. I used to have a friend who would call me every other day who would tell me that her man is cheating on her and how she believed it. She moved out and as a friend I went over to help her pack, but a week later she went right back. I joked around and told her if I taught her man how to cheat she wouldn’t come crying, running up my cell phone minutes and he wouldn’t keep getting caught and everyone would be happy and we laughed about it.
What made you take the idea and write a book?
It was also around the time that a professional quarterback who lost his life. Cheating does more than break lives, it can kill you. I figured men are going to cheat anyways and unfortunately women will sometimes forgive their cheating men. So if we taught men how to cheat then we will all be happy. I know when I started to do research on this book, which I didn’t put together irresponsibly. I wanted this book to teach men how to cheat, but a lot of women were saying what I don’t know doesn’t hurt me. Many women were more interested in whom they cheated with rather than the act of cheating and they were so sloppy to get caught, which caused a lot of problems.
How did you come up with the title of your book?
It took me a short time to write this book, however, it took almost a year compiling research into the book. I did surveys and roundtable discussion. I spoke to women and men. I asked women who caught their men cheating and found out some of the things their men did. I also talked to men who have been cheating for years, who never got caught. Primarily I surveyed women, so it’s truly a women’s guide on how a man should cheat.
Did you learn anything while putting this book together?
I learned a lot. One of the bigger things I learned was the time men would cheat. I honestly didn’t know there was such a thing. Women get suspicious when men say they are working late. If men told their women they have to go in early, it’ll be the women waking up their man reminding them they have to go into work early. If you work traditionally from 8-5PM and you want to cheat, you can get up early and cheat from 6-7AM and still make it to work on time. If you try after work, it’s a bit harder to pull off because a lot of times that is already self-suspicious.
Within the first few pages, you made known that your book is meant for men. Should women read it too? Who is the prime audience of your book?
When I first wrote this book, I wanted my audience to be men because I wanted them to learn how to cheat without getting caught. As of today, more women read the book than any. I remember for at least 6 months I had the same woman who would call into a lot of shows I was doing, she was mean, nasty and bitter. She attacked me and called me names, I told her to just read the book. I sent her a copy and told her if the book is what she thought it was then she would be able to back up her hostility with words from my book. She hated on me just by the title. Interestingly, she ended up reading the book and called in and apologized. She ended up putting a bow on top of the book, with divorce papers inside and gave it to her husband. She found out her husband was cheating on her for over 10years with a secretary from her child’s school. She never knew until she read the book.
10 years, wow. Did this woman have any inclinations that her husband was cheating before she read the book?
Sometimes that is the problem with women. God gives women the gift of intuition for a reason. I used to have a friend who would call me and say she thinks her man is cheating on her. I told her that he is and she said, ‘oh my gosh, have you heard something around town, are people talking?’ I told her no, but sometimes we don’t want to see or accept the reasons, but if you think something is wrong, it could be.
In the book, you stated that relationships either go one of two ways. You are either being cheated on or being cheated with. What made you come to that conclusion? Do you believe in that statement?
I got into a lot of trouble for this one. Let me say first off that I feel all men cheat. Now, I don’t think all men cheat on me or all men cheat on you. But, I feel all men have cheated on somebody. It could have been the women before you or it could be the woman after you. Typically, if your man is cheating, you are being cheated on or being cheated with. You are either the wife/main girl or the mistress/kicker.
Do you believe in monogamous relationships?
I do believe monogamy is possible. We have to understand that there are many levels of cheating, it’s not always physical. There is mental, spiritual and physical. Some people think that mentally cheating on them is just as painful as physically cheating on them. A lot of times people are in “relationships” and they don’t define the parameters of that relationship. If you have to ask your man “what are we?” assume that you are not. More than likely, he is with you and other people. If a man wants to be with you, you will know. He will claim you, introduce you and you will know what it feels like.
Many people have different definitions and levels of cheating. What is your definition of cheating?
Well from the book it definitely approaches the physical act of cheating from a sexual point of view. My personal definition is mental, spiritual and physical. For example, if I’m being intimate with my man and he is envisioning having sex with Halle Berry than to me that is mentally cheating. I am very good with defining the parameters of the relationship. Like, if my man goes out to a club and he sees a nice lady in and wants to dance with her, is that cheating? No. But, if they exchange numbers, yes because that presents the opportunity and the temptation to cheat. A lot of times men can’t resist the temptation to cheat.
Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?
That is a tough one. I don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater. But, I do believe nine times out of ten once cheating has occurred the relationship is doomed. Women are very emotional creatures. Many times we try to get over the aspect of cheating, but cheating is so personal and such an insult. When women and men have an infidelity in the relationship, it’s always there. For example, a man and woman are driving down the street and the man was supposed to turn left but he turned right. All of a sudden it’s an argument and before the argument is done, she will bring up how he cheated on her. Cheating is very hard to get over.
What were some initial reactions from family and friend while writing the book?
Many people thought it was a good idea, while others didn’t think it was because people wouldn’t be receptive toward it. Some said I should be careful because a lot of the American people do not read. We are limited to 160 characters in a text or tweet, and a lot of people do not take the time and read. I realized going into this that; the book cover would probably mislead the information. If I wrote a book telling women these are the signs of which to know your man is cheating on you, no one would read the book or talk about it. I felt the title was appropriate.
Do you believe there is a ‘cure’ for cheating men?
Yes I do think there is a cure; it’s the women they cheat with. There are two types of women, which I get into in my book. There are the women who innocently do not know that a man has a woman because you know men aren’t very truthful, women too, but for the sake of the book we are talking about men. But, they’re some men who will go out and claim that they are single. Then, there are other women who prey on men who have somebody and are in relationships. These types of women come in and purposefully break up families. The man will put out the wife and kids and bring in the side piece, the mistress, which absolutely should not happen. I clearly state in my book, what I refer to as the “kicker” and how they should be treated. Men treat these women as if they’re golden, which should not happen.
We have all heard about those women who feel that the guy will leave his wife or family for them. What about those women who actually believe in that?
If the man is cheating by my book, the women should never get that thought in her head. The book is specific on how the “kicker” should be treated. For example, I talk about the financial bond. If you are cheating with someone and change their dependency from a sexual one to a financial one, it will be very hard to get that “kicker” off of you. That is the women who will show up to your house looking for financial security. Do not spend no more than $20 on your “kicker”, if it can’t be purchased through the drive thru, it shouldn’t be purchased at all. The “kicker” should always know their place even when men lie to them. A lot of men told me no woman would actually go for something like this and if they do they will be ugly. Over 47% of the high percentage of women I interviewed, who America who would deem as “beautiful” said they would cheat with a man because all they wanted was sex.
You mentioned in the book that women aren’t doing what they should, like cooking and baking. Is it always the women’s fault?
No, I do not think it’s always the women’s fault. I do think women can help push men to cheat. I think sometimes women think the game they used on men in the beginning such as cooking, baking, wearing sexy lingerie and keeping up with their appearance will keep them forever. But, once they do have their men they do not do those things anymore and become lazy, which can be misleading and cause their men to cheat. I’ve always learned as a young girl when entering relationships never start doing something in a relationship that you do not want to keep doing.
What if women are doing their stereotypical parts in a relationship, do you think at any point after that, men will still go out and cheat?
Yes. Men are very visual creatures. They like the fancy shoes and cars and things that shine. I think it takes a very unique man who will look and not touch. We women sometimes encourage that type of behavior from men. If you were to meet a man at the club today, and he wants to talk to you, you should be able to pick up on things that aren’t right. When a man wants to know where do you live and what time you get off from work, he lives and is with somebody. There are a lot of things women can do on both sides of the table, whether being pursued or with someone to check and see if he’s in a relationship. From a professional standpoint, on the job they ask for three references, we don’t do that with our men. We don’t’ find out who he knows, or mutual friends on Facebook or anything. Many times women just don’t want to know.
Do you believe in cheating? And why?
I try to separate my personal beliefs from the book. I don’t necessarily believe in it. In my relationships, if I feel something is wrong, or if he’s cheating I will leave. Many people say I wrote this book because I’ve been cheating on. I don’t think I’ve ever been cheated on because the minute I felt something wasn’t right, I’m gone because it was something that led me to believe that way. A lot of it is trust, even if I ask him if he was cheating and he tells me no, I wouldn’t believe him anyway. It will come to a point where I may have to leave my life in this person’s hand and I will not be able to trust him. I’ve had women call into shows and say if women left their cheating men there will be no need for my book. But, sometimes it’s not that easy to leave, but it’s not that easy to stay. Every day you will wonder what is wrong with you, or what you can change about yourself, which can be a lot of torture on yourself.
What do you think is the number one mistake men make when cheating?
The number one mistake is that they’re not safe. I do not care if it’s your first time cheating or your hundredth time, you must always use a condom. The top reasons men get caught cheating is because of an STD or a baby. You must always wear your suit and protect yourself. Secondly, the guy must always be upfront with the girl he is cheating with. She needs to know her place and her purpose, if women don’t want to cheat by your rules; you need to find someone else.
How do you think relationships have changed from the past till now?
I am very old school. I was taught a women’s job is to nurture and a man’s job is to provide, sometimes women do both. Also, women try to do things men should be doing. It will make the man feel a bit insecure and inferior which can push him to another woman where that woman will allow him to be a man. You have to be mindful on how you treat your man, because there may be other women who may make him feel much better and allow him to be a man.
What do you think consist of a ‘good and healthy’ relationship?
Men and women need to understand that they’re in a relationship. Sometimes, women feel that because they’ve slept with a guy that they are in a committed relationship. Women should not first have sex with a man and then try to figure out what are we. Make sure you understand the boundaries of the relationship and keep communication open. A healthy relationship is about being open to hearing other perspectives. You may not have to agree but be open. Ladies, stop calling your friends who are not in relationships for advice. All information does not to be shared with your friends and others because they start to cloud your train of thought.
Although, your intended audience is for men, what is your message to the ladies reading your book?
Read the book with an open mind and come up with your own conclusion. As a lady, you should rely on your female intuition, which is what God gave it to you for. There are a lot of things in the book that you may be able to identify with that may already happen in your relationship. Maybe there are trends or things that seem off. This book can give you pointers that you can look out for.
Are there any pointers or suggestions that you did not get to put in the book, including social media?
Social media is a big thing that has really taken off and we plan to re-release it. I believe men who are cheating shouldn’t be on social media, no Twitter or Facebook. If a man has to be on, he should privatize his settings.
Many women who hear or read of your book may be in disbelief that a woman wrote this book. Do you believe there is some sort of ‘women code’ for something like this?
I don’t think there is a women’s code until after they read it. Because women have access to this book too, I think it is their responsibility to pick it up and be privileged to the same information as their men. I think it’s a great book, but let’s be honest; I didn’t create any of these tips or strategies to not get caught. Men have been doing it for years, all I did was share this from selected men and put it out to the masses.
It’s been about three years since the release of your book, what kinds of responses have you gotten from readers?
A large percentage of women and men came back to me after reading and said they like the book. Many people who checked out the book website and the excerpt has told me they hate me, my life, the book and said I was obese and overweight and never had a man, drawing conclusions as to why I wrote the book. I do not think everyone will love the book, absolutely not. But it’s a topic that hits very close to home. We know people who have, are and have been cheating on. I’ve had men who hated on me for giving away their secrets. This is not my thoughts inside this book. I tried to be neutral and there were things inside the book that I didn’t necessarily go for like the cheating aspect. We need to understand that men will cheat and we shouldn’t ignore it. AIDS, STD’s and unwanted kids are running rapid, these are things we can discuss as adults and find ways to control them. If women are not okay with cheating they should leave, and if men will cheat, they should know how.
Do you plan to write other books, including, a woman’s guide to cheating?
At least 100 people have come to me asking me about a women’s guide. Women know how to cheat, we are the ones that catch men, but I am thinking about it. I do have other projects on the table. I do have another book that will be different from this one, but this will certainly not be my last book.
A percentage of the proceeds from “The Official Women’s Guide on How a Man Should Cheat” goes to AIDS & HIV research.
Website & Purchase: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/c/six-fernandez